So, I got Classic to boot, and I was able to connect to the Internet. Attempting to fix this thing once and for all, and I run across this on the Apple website…

You agree that you will not export or reexport any of the software or confidential information received from Apple (i) into (or to a national or resident of) Cuba, Iran, Iraq, Libya, North Korea, Serbia, Sudan, Syria, or any other country to which the U.S. has embargoed goods; or (ii) to anyone on the U.S. Treasury Department’s list of Specially Designated Nationals and Blocked Persons, U.S. Commerce Department’s Table of Denial Orders and Entities List, or the U.S. State Department’s Debarred List. By downloading this software, you represent and warrant that you are not located in, under the control of, or a national or resident of any such country or on any such list. You also agree that you will not use these products for any purposes prohibited by United States law, including, without limitation, the development, design, manufacture or production of nuclear, missiles, or chemical or biological weapons.

Nice.