Smoked Tuna

If you haven’t listened to The Dawn and Drew Show while shopping at the grocery store, do yourself a favor and load up your iPod the next time you head out to buy kibbles. Here in Missoula, they don’t hire Tards to work in grocery stores the way they do back in Ohio, (must be Akroness), so one must find new and innovative ways to entertain oneself when wondering the aisles.

I loaded up the Nano with the newest D+D show and headed over to Rosaeurs, a local grocery store, to grab some lip balm and a bite to eat for lunch. As I’m crossing the busy lunch hour South Avenue on foot, I burst out laughing when Dawn begins describing her dream in which people had to shove food into their assholes and vaginas in some sort of contest. Cars swerved to avoid the crazy man in a black hoodie (me), and I strolled on down the lane.

Approaching the store, I consciously think to myself, You can’t laugh in the store and am repeating this to myself as some sort of mantra. As I’m walking past the deli counter, Dawn is explaining, at Drew’s request, the types of foods that are being stuffed into various orifices. Thinly sliced ham is on the list. I am ready to explode with laughter as I walk past the fingerprint laden glass, which displays a sign for thinly sliced ham, in Comic Sans, advertising the weekly special. I kid you not.

The sound is not turned up all the way in my headphones, but it’s loud enough that I cannot hear anyone when they speak to me. I’m trying to decide which shitty sushi I want to buy when Dawn begins explaining that, in her dream, after everyone has jammed various foods up inside themselves, they must squirt it out onto a scale. Whoever has crammed the most edible stuff into them wins. As she’s explaining this, one of the lunch counter girls is asking me something. it was a little surreal, listening to Dawn go on and having this girl almost lip-syncing to it but not knowing it. She’s talking quite a bit, but I can’t hear her and she can’t see that I have headphones in my ears because I have my hood on. Couple that with the fact that I am wearing sunglasses because I had my eyes dilated at my optometrist’s earlier today, and the look of confusion on her face when I nodded and smiled was understandable.

I found it hilarious.

I nearly bit my tongue in half trying not to laugh, got some California rolls and headed for the checkout line.

There’s no punchline, no moral to the story, no witty ending. But all day I have found myself laughing a little to myself here in my cube.

Meanwhile, I’ll be showing up around these parts more often. I have to head over to FedEx in the morning to pick up my new Intel iMacG5 (20″ bitches!) and the cable company’s coming on Wednesday to hook up Internet. I’m like a kid on Christmas Eve, waiting for Santa to arrive. Expect that I have to drive to Santa’s house to pick up my presents.